Anaconda

Anacondas (Genus Eunectes, lit. ‘Need that crushed?’) comprise three species of massive non-poisonous crushing snakes inhabiting wetlands in South America. Of these, the green anaconda is the largest and is widely accepted as the world’s largest snake, often growing to twenty feet in length and several hundred pounds (in weight), allowing it to suffocate its prey via powerful crushing muscles. After crushing – or simultaneously drowning – an animal, the anaconda swallows¹ it whole, and waits for up to a month for it to digest, much to the horror of everyone else at the restaurant.

A cappuccino would really help here. Maybe a nice grappa. Actually maybe I’ll just have both. And can I see a dessert menu?

It is unclear how large an anaconda may grow to be, but rumors of 40 foot anacondas roaming the wetlands in search of small children to crush have been used for centuries to scare – you guessed it – small children. Though there seems to be scant proof of anacondas eating human beings, it’s also probably happened, and, quite honestly, we should stop living in denial about it.

When placed in captivity, anacondas are extremely aggressive, and their poor attitude is often attributed to childhood crushing they suffered at the hands of alcoholic parents. It may also have something to do with being locked in cages for people to stare at.

If you dudes make me live in a zoo I’m gonna be wicked annoyed.

Anacondas can be frequently observed crushing the life out of a variety of animals, including capybaras, adult white tailed deer, fully-grown spectacled caimans, jaguars, Jaguars^TM, elephants, washer-drier combos, and unicorns.²

The anaconda’s beverage of choice.

Anacondas are generally solitary crushers until it’s time to find a mate. And when that time rolls around, a male anaconda will invite his anaconda girlfriend to move into his apartment, but then he’ll regret it pretty soon when the lady anaconda starts redecorating and talking about getting married, and eventually, after the lady anaconda is gravid³ (pregnant), she may well crush her boyfriend and eat him.

The observation of female-to-male carnivorousness among anacondas is well-documented, though its causes remain poorly understood (because they were crushed). Some speculate that it is due to the marked sexual dimorphism in anacondas, with females being much larger than males. Still others suspect males present an easy meal for a pregnant female. Another theory is that sometimes a girl just feels like crushing her man and eating him.

I’m not a player, I just crush a lot.

Here’s something: oftentimes many male anacondas will attempt to copulate with the same female, resulting in massive ‘breeding balls’ of up to twelve males wrapped around a single female. If you ever see a breeding ball, shoot it with a gun.

Anacondas are ovoviviparous, meaning that eggs hatch inside the mother’s body and result in live births, and a baby anaconda is born with enough crushing power to kill a medium-sized dog.

In conclusion: carpe diem. Seize the day. And then crush the life out of it.

GRADE: A

¹Contrary to what you heard on every single field trip to the zoo, snakes do not dislocate their jaw to swallow their prey. They simply have extremely flexible ligaments on their jaws, which allows them to fit stuff in their mouth. And since they lack sternums, the only limit to what they can get in their stomach is their imaginations.

²Crushing the mythical horse, they swallow it whole, and later burp up the horn.

³The term ‘gravid’ refers to a pregnant fish or snake that bears live young, and in entomology it describes a pregnant female insect. The point is, it’s quite an insult, so hold on to that one.