Anaconda

Anacondas (Genus Eunectes, lit. ‘Need that crushed?’) comprise three species of massive non-poisonous crushing snakes inhabiting wetlands in South America. Of these, the green anaconda is the largest and is widely accepted as the world’s largest snake, often growing to twenty feet in length and several hundred pounds (in weight), allowing it to suffocate its prey via powerful crushing muscles. After crushing – or simultaneously drowning – an animal, the anaconda swallows1 it whole, and waits for up to a month for it to digest, much to the horror of everyone else at the restaurant.

A cappuccino would really help here. Maybe a nice grappa. Actually maybe I’ll just have both. And can I see a dessert menu?

It is unclear how large an anaconda may grow to be, but rumors of 40 foot anacondas roaming the wetlands in search of small children to crush have been used for centuries to scare – you guessed it – small children. Though there seems to be scant proof of anacondas eating human beings, it’s also probably happened, and, quite honestly, we should stop living in denial about it.

When placed in captivity, anacondas are extremely aggressive, and their poor attitude is often attributed to childhood crushing they suffered at the hands of alcoholic parents. It may also have something to do with being locked in cages for people to stare at.

If you dudes make me live in a zoo I’m gonna be wicked annoyed.

Anacondas can be frequently observed crushing the life out of a variety of animals, including capybaras, adult white tailed deer, fully-grown spectacled caimans, jaguars, JaguarsTM, elephants, washer-drier combos, and unicorns.2

The anaconda’s beverage of choice.

Anacondas are generally solitary crushers until it’s time to find a mate. And when that time rolls around, a male anaconda will invite his anaconda girlfriend to move into his apartment, but then he’ll regret it pretty soon when the lady anaconda starts redecorating and talking about getting married, and eventually, after the lady anaconda is gravid3 (pregnant), she may well crush her boyfriend and eat him.

The observation of female-to-male carnivorousness among anacondas is well-documented, though its causes remain poorly understood (because they were crushed). Some speculate that it is due to the marked sexual dimorphism in anacondas, with females being much larger than males. Still others suspect males present an easy meal for a pregnant female. Another theory is that sometimes a girl just feels like crushing her man and eating him.

I’m not a player, I just crush a lot.

Here’s something: oftentimes many male anacondas will attempt to copulate with the same female, resulting in massive ‘breeding balls’ of up to twelve males wrapped around a single female. If you ever see a breeding ball, shoot it with a gun.

Anacondas are ovoviviparous, meaning that eggs hatch inside the mother’s body and result in live births, and a baby anaconda is born with enough crushing power to kill a medium-sized dog.

In conclusion: carpe diem. Seize the day. And then crush the life out of it.

GRADE: A

1Contrary to what you heard on every single field trip to the zoo, snakes do not dislocate their jaw to swallow their prey. They simply have extremely flexible ligaments on their jaws, which allows them to fit stuff in their mouth. And since they lack sternums, the only limit to what they can get in their stomach is their imaginations.

2Crushing the mythical horse, they swallow it whole, and later burp up the horn.

3The term ‘gravid’ refers to a pregnant fish or snake that bears live young, and in entomology it describes a pregnant female insect. The point is, it’s quite an insult, so hold on to that one.

About these ads

25 responses to “Anaconda

  1. True story: I once went on a boat trip with a younger, hotter, less crazy Hennifer Lopez and Ice Cube. It was a fun trip until an anaconda crushed our boat and swallowed it whole. Nobody survived.

  2. Great post. Though it does raise a question relative to a previous post. If you put a hippo and an anaconda in a cage, who wins? My money’s on the hippo, but I could be misguided.

  3. Gravid, hm??

    That IS a good insult.

  4. please sent me the most dangerous,most beauty,high toxin snake in the world. your job is fantastic keep it up

  5. I need more pic of many snakes plz.

  6. wow great snake.that i know about anaconda is the dangerous snake

  7. Wa! really Superb. Wish to see more anaconda.

  8. tobosarul@#44

    am prins un ancaonda

  9. This snake it’s a masterpiece of God. It’s the king of all snakes.

  10. NUNCA VI UMA ANACONDA GIGANTE COMO ESSA EM GROSSURA

  11. anaconda is my bast animal that is good sanek

    AND strang sanek

  12. wow that a real big frog

  13. wana see more

  14. i want anaconda image

  15. Marvin M. Martini .NBI

    YEEEEEEEERRRRRRRK!

  16. Wow,great phtos my man,thanks alot for this

  17. ANACONA IS VERY BIG REPTILE

  18. Salim Mwadime

    Are they really snake? Where are they found

  19. ANACONDAS ARE !NOT! THE BIGGEST SNAKE!!!!!!!!! YOU PEOPLE ARE STUPID. THEY GROW TO BE ABOUT 20-25 FEET, BUT RETICULATED PYTHONS GROW TO BE ABOUT 25-33 FEET! good god this article is stupid they dont eat unicorns nor elephants. next time know the facts before you write something. thank you .

    • Actually, you’re half right. The longest snake ever caught was a reticulated python. The snake with the largest mass ever caught, however, was an anaconda. We appreciate your concern, but we’re going to hang in there with our original statement that it is the largest snake. Saying that something is ‘larger’ simply because it’s longer is a bit like saying that a set of jumper cables is larger than a backyard grill.

    • Fact is, I’ve *witnessed* an anaconda eating a unicorn. Two, actually, at the same time. They had been teen sweethearts and the horror took place, believe it or not, on their honeymoon. A real tragedy.

      But you’re dead-on with the elephants. Anacondas find the trunks to be too chewy, from what I hear. And despite their reputations, anacondas really aren’t chubby chasers. They’re into the vapid, athletic types (like the aforementioned unicorn).

  20. calm down lula i mean yeah they were wrong the reticulated python is actually the largest snake but if you google it plenty of other more reputable sites have it wrong too it was an honest mistake and cant you recognize a joke when you see one? its just an exaggeration okay so calm down

  21. I am a fun of snakes, please send me more pictures of different types of anacondas, boa constictors, pythons as well as those king cobras.

  22. that is just rank man!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s